7 months + 104.6 lbs lost = 1 new woman

What a journey this has been! By no means is it over - not even close! Do you realize that 7 months ago I thought I might hit this milestone if I stuck through with the program, but my doubts were so much stronger than my convictions. Amazingly, parts of this journey have not only been thrilling beyond words, but they have also come and gone like a welcome, happy, spring day. Going RAW, keeping myself important, sticking with all of my responsibilities here - it's the easiest and the hardest thing you could imagine. Carlene had says it better than any of the rest of us time after time. Just yesterday she said that we are our greatest reasons to stay motivated and our greatest challenges to ourselves as self talk brings us in and out of continued weight loss - continued success. How true!

I have so much more weight to lose that some days I find myself doubting, over-thinking, and justifying bad behaviors out of fatigue. I have learned so much about myself, what my body needs to find its health, and how fragile my focus, my motivation truly is.

This is not a sad discovery, but rather an enlightening one. To find out truths about yourself - if this was the ONLY thing that RFBC rewarded, well, it would be worth the time, money, hard work, sweat, and tears. But 100+ lbs lost in 7 months??? People, life can't get much better!!! This is so simple, yet one of the hardest things to succeed in if ... you think you have one day learned all there is to know and return to a life of unbalance disguised as "self-reliance."

My point? 100 lbs lost is truly a great milestone, but I have not yet arrived. Furthermore, if I let myself think for just one moment that I can "do this" alone, I risk everything. Because I'm weak? Well, perhaps. But mostly because we're designed as human beings to thrive in social arenas. We need each other! RFBC is the gift that just keeps giving, like one of those Russian dolls. When you hit one milestone, you discover a truth about yourself. When you make a new discovery, you reach another milestone. It's beautiful, folks! This is truly the life I want to continue! Please join me, join us! The life you discover may be one of the greatest gifts you never thought to give yourself!

"Heart" attack

I don't even know where to start with this one. The timing could not have been better. Perfect, breath-taking, surreal! Let me explain. After weeks of anguishing and near-continuous fighting with myself plus an emotional Friday, I received a gift in the mail today. I'm still choked up about it, but I had to share. A couple of my students sent me something they called a "heart" attack, a box of construction paper hearts with messages written on them. Here's what the messages said:

"You are the strongest person I know."
"Everything will be okay!"
"I love your face."
"You give great advice!"
"Thank you for always listening. It makes me feel so much better!"
"Don't be so sad... You have a wonderful smile." :)
"You smell good ALWAYS!"
"You exude a positive energy contagious to ALL!"
"You are such a great person, and I am so lucky to have you in my life."
"You are just incredible for everything that you do."
"SMILE"
"I am proud of you for going through so much and still being happy."
"You are a unique and irreplaceable person."
"You are intelligent, kind, and wonderful!"
"You're beautiful!"
"You are FUNNY!"
"You have cute ears."
"That's what she said. HA."
"Just Breathe!"
"You are a great and devoted teacher!"
"You are very pretty!"
"You have great stories."
"We love your face."
"We love you! Everyone loves you!"
"Don't ever forget how BEAUTIFUL you are :) inside and out!"
"You are one of my favorite people in the world!"
"Don't stress out so much! Everything will be a-okay! Tons of people love you and support you, just like you do for them. Thank you for always listening. I'm sorry if I have caused you any stress. You are the best! Love ya, Angie Jo."

Here's what the card read that came with this original gift: "There's no anthrax in here. I promise. :) P.S. I'm sorry if I caused you any stress. You are one of my favorite people , and I truly appreciate all the times you have listened to my $?!+."

Crazy kids!!! The two who put this together were the same two who went home on Tuesday after school and made me a palm tree "edible arrangement" on a plate after I told them as gently that I couldn't eat the pancakes they wanted to make because that was their culinary expertise. So, knowing I'd still be at school until after 4:45, they both came back, one pulling me outside of my room and the other sneaking in and putting the plate on my desk. I will upload the pictures here when I get a chance later this weekend.

Talk about timing!!!! This came at a point when I've been deeply struggling with how I could possibly make this new life my lifestyle. And from a couple of students who have been taking a great deal of that precious time lately. Throw your own spin on this however you'd like, but to me, this is just the blessing, the kick in the pants I need to get back on the road and keep those pounds falling!!

The woman I am... the woman I want to be

Below is a copy of my discussion in today's reflection of our weekend (often some of the most challenging days for weight loss at RFBC)... and a moment to share lessons learned that will pull us through the tough days to our goal weights. If you've followed my blog at all, you've seen some highly emotional, analytical, and polarized thoughts and battles with myself and the choices that speak of my character. Everyday cannot be my best (no insult to Faith and her effervescent optimism!). However, everyday must take me towards the woman I want to be. RFBC has been the rope that has pulled from a life drowning in sinking sand to the healthy lifestyle that will bring me the quality of life I desire.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately - and decision making. I've hit my typical cyclical pattern of distancing myself and putting my needs off for the needs of others. More than anything, I don't want to be in that 95% of perpetually obese women. Yet saying that, even feeling it is not enough to keep me in that healthy 5%. Here is what I've learned: 1) It is my new "normal" to consciously plan my schedule, my food, and my exercise; 2) my happiness is in direct correlation to my quality of life - living healthy brings me that quality; 3) to become healthy (i.e. to lose all the weight that brings me the quality of life I desire), I have to make permanent sacrifices that I must find a way to be cherish; and finally, 4) only I am in control of my choices.

My biggest challenge since school has started back again? With all of the time I put into myself since starting RAW, plus all of the hours I work, I do not get to spend much time with my husband. This summer, I was able to take care of myself and spend time with my husband. I was able to visit with my family, friends, and keep my health as priority. Now, I can't seem to find enough hours in the day to keep myself happy. When I do choose spending time with my husband over my health (like completing all of my walking), I spin myself into a negative tailspin. For me, my time at RFBC has been so much about retraining my brain than it has been about losing the weight.

If I was to make some major decisions about my ideal life:
I would make sure that I could work a job that gave me 6 hours each day for myself and for my family; I would give myself at least two full hours a day to exercise; I would eat 100% vegan because that's what my body responds best to; I would schedule time at least once a week to do something for my mental/emotional health; and finally, I would transition from overly analytical and perfectionistic to happily content, strongly committed to myself, and contagiously optimistic.

The honest truth is, I am not the person (at least not right now), the woman I've described above. In this process of taking care of myself, I have to take one step at a time along this journey in the direction that takes me where I want to be. If I jump from where I am right now into where I expect to be when I am that woman above, I may sabotage myself. RFBC has allowed me to begin my journey to becoming the woman that I want to be by dealing honestly with myself and replacing unhealthy choices with healthy ones. I HAVE to learn the lessons that come with overcoming my unhealthy choices to ensure that I change my lifestyle (successfully) for the best. Long story short, the journey I am on right now towards the woman I want to be will continue to uproot mental and emotional battles that I must overcome. That is healthy as long as I continue to move forward. I must love myself enough to accept these struggles and to accept the lifestyle that brings me a quality of life I dream of.

One last thought. The picture I painted of myself regarding my career, my personal life, my food choices, my exercise, and my use of time will never be so perfect. Even at retirement, life brings surprises that challenge us to make the most of the situation in the best possible way. Right now, I must invest extra time in myself both professionally and personally. That means that the time I spend with my friends, family, and husband will be different than what I will be able to do in the future. Sacrifice and discipline lead to character. One day soon, I'll have the disciplined habits to hold the healthy character that I so desire. Ultimately, my choices determine my discipline, my habits, my character. I have to be consistent and work hard every day.

New mantra? Today, my choices reflect the woman I am and the woman I want to be.

Maintenance - week 1

As much as I've wanted to work in healthy non-raw foods for the better part of the last two months, it's been a scary week working back in healthy whole foods. I will need to do some refiguring on sodium in particular. When the wild brown rice I bought had no sodium per serving and then suddenly had a ton in the cooking process (according to fitday), I need to see where I've gone wrong. Firstly, you should know that I did not cook anything this week with salt or even with oil or butter. I will be working with Carlene on this and let you all know more in my next blog. ;)

Maintenance allows me to set my own expectations, my own rules for my life. Honestly, if it was any other way, I'd probably just keep fighting the "system." Although the following rules outlined below will be a little different from the ones I committed to this last week, that is only because I'm beginning to learn what I want and what I need. Hurray!! Life is great!

Food: I would like to follow a heavily plant-based diet with fish up to once a week. My ideal is to eat raw fruits and veggies for breakfast, lunch, and snacks, and then a cooked plant, grain, and sometimes lean fish-based meal for dinner with my husband (though he seems happy to eat his own thing and not push to eat what is healthy).

I want to eat steamed veggies, baked sweet potatoes, brown organic rice, navy or black beans and lentils - I want to cook these from the dried variety - NO CANNED! To keep no more of my diet than 20% cooked, I have to plan out my dinner in a way that I have not done since joining RFBC. Obviously, I have a lot of work to do on the research and planning end to make this work. (Even more now that I've tried out my first week and several days ended with 42% cooked calories for the day!)

Meat and eggs: I think it was CB who mentioned the grilled salmon. I miss meat more than I'd like to admit. I know I need to keep that to a minimum, so here's my plan: eat grilled, broiled, or baked fish once a week. After our study in convictions, I have rethought eggs. I think this is something I should give up. If plant-based protein has allowed me to lose so much weight up until this point, its health benefits are better for me than what I was eating before.

I need a plan on the rare occassions when I go out with friends, so I like that I can include a lean, healthy meat to keep me satisfied and happy on my own plan. I'm still considering including a 3 oz portion of chicken on rare occasions with my family or friends. I'm sure that when that is allowed, I will see how my body reacts. From our discussion on convictions, most women are strongly opposed to eating any meat. As I am still in weight loss mode, I think I may keep away from chicken until after I hit my goal weight. Also, this may be a food of the past.

Dairy: This makes me sad, but I know it's what I need. Dairy is OUT, completely. I've never really liked milk, but I do like yogurt. If I'm going to make changes to include some meats, I have to give somewhere. I can do without dairy. Plus, this keeps me away from one of my weakest areas: icecream and cheese. As much as I think I can handle keeping cheese, for instance, in moderation, for now this is out. Icecream - good-bye forever....

Beverages: I will drink water, herbal tea, or coffee (no more than one per day). Many of the women in my group have cut out coffee. I think that has to do with caffeine and the temptations that the frufru add-ins have on one's mental game. For the day to day, alcohol is out; however, I would like to enjoy one glass of wine in a social setting. This is still up for debate in my mind. I may need to avoid wine completely.

Breads, pasta and rice: No pasta, no bread - I can't handle this stuff at all. To compromise, I do want to enjoy brown organic rice with my fish and maybe even with my steamed veggies. If this is once a week for one meal, I feel like this is manageable and healthy. After week one of maintenance with two meals with brown rice, I am certain that I need to be careful and deliberate.

Cakes, cookies, and candies: 1 slice of cake on my birthday, only! Other than that, I'm done with this category. Since I've started RFBC, I've always been tempted to get back to the sweets. Around family has been the worst. Staying away is the only way to go. I know that I cannot handle moderation. Far in the future, I would like to reintroduce myself to a small piece of raw chocolate once a month or couple of months. For now, it's out of the question.

Condiments and sauces: With the heavy fat and sodium levels in these foods, I think they will have to be out, but I'm not sure yet. I'm going to read about some of your healthy options and come back to this one. Either way, I have to be incredibly restrictive. When looking at labels, it seems that some varieties of mustard may be reasonable. Dressings - these are still out.


Exercise:
I see myself with cardio exercise for an hour to an hour and a half per day. I have become addicted to walking! I also feel great when I am weight training, so I want to include that 3-4 times a week. I would like to join a yoga or an aerobics class. I feel like I need this for the support and the social aspect just as much as for my healthy. Faith, I'll have to ask you about your yoga class (pros and cons) when I think about it next.

As I said yesterday, I want to bike, to swim, to hike, to dance - I want to work activities into my social life so that I don't feel like my life is segmented into "fitness" and the rest of my life. I want all to work in seamlessly. Sadly, this is difficult for my husband and I to enjoy together. It should be easy enough with him in a wheelchair for me to just push him along with me. Perhaps when I gain more upper-body strength, this will be an easier option. With the hills we have around our home, it's difficult to take him on my walks. I think if I visited a park during the spring and fall with him, we could enjoy being outside together. The great thing is that when we do have children, I will already have become so much more fit so that I can train them up from a very young age to enjoy activity and exercise! Just as much as I am rethinking and planning my food, I'm not completely sure about what exercise I will add in. I never want to go one day without at least an hour of deliberate physical activity. I think it is important that activity is not just forced into my life, but really defines my life. This is so liberating!!!!

101.4 lbs down and 6 months RAW

It's been one week with my new maintenance group after hitting 101 lbs down last Monday! Exciting stuff here, let me tell you!!! Six months ago, I couldn't even imagine feeling happy once in a while much less dropping 100+ lbs!! Without the support and guidance of women who have traveled this path before me, including Carlene, there is absolutely no way I would have stuck with my commitment.

Now for the real insights. I've been away from my blog for a month prior to this update. I've struggled deeply to balance my responsibilities with my new commitments to myself. Somehow, this sounds like the same old song. You know what I've learned from this? Replacing old habits and beliefs, especially the lifelong variety, it's just plain tough. Yet the battle doesn't indicate failure. If anything, the struggle, the FIGHT, reveals strength and courage. Now that's powerful!!

If you are checking out RFBC for the first time, read a little from each of the blogs out there. These women are unbelievable, at least that's my pinion. Before I joined RFBC, I held them in such awe thinking I would be lucky to be in their ranks. Now that I can consider myself one of the success stories, I realize the hard work and the strength of character that goes into each of the success stories. This is not impossible. It's real. ;) Better than the weight loss??? Finding the person that you've always known has been inside is ready to live again!!!

Re-trecking down the rough and narrow

I've been having a really tough time lately. Not so much with RAW, but with how I see myself and how RAW will continue to work in my "real life." If you've followed my blog at all, then you may know that I've struggled with some major depression and bipolar issues. This of course was so much worse prior to RAW. Lately, though, I've been off my regiment. I haven't taken my medicine regularly for three weeks or at all for two. This is never a good thing. Sadly, I've been here before.

I thought it was time to look back over my earlier posts. I didn't get through all of them yet, but I plan on rereading all of my posts. It's nice hearing my voice in a much more confident tone! Below is a sampling of some of my lessons learned from 50+ lbs lost. Endure me a little while I reflect.

- Love yourself enough to make you a priority in your own life - take time for yourself!
- Accept who you are and let go of the harsh criticism with which you beat yourself up daily.
- Begin loving others without expectations and without bitterness or anger at previous disappointments.
- FORGIVE others as such anger eats you up so much more than the other person - family or friends!
- Make your priorities for YOU and don't let others dictate your decisions, but rather to share in what makes you, YOU.
- Keep people around you to keep you accountable to your priorities, your promises, and your actions. Accept their criticism and encouragement.
- Treat yourself with the same carefully thought out parenting that you give to your children.

In my next post, I will have to add to this list!

The child and the parent

Carlene has we RAWKers participate in one of the most brilliant discussions yet! She had us retell a story of a child who tried/succeeded in getting his/her own way just because the parent(s) was not strong enough to say no. She then asked the question, who deserves to be held more responsible? Is it the child we must hold in rebuke or the parent? For me, the answer to these questions awoke in me the need to step up and be the adult - once and for all!

As a teacher, I daily observe the children of fellow teachers run the halls after the school day. One such child, let's call him Sam, he and his brother "Mike," run the halls and classrooms like puppies run a house if allowed. They start off by racing each other, screaming loud cries of happy joy - unaware that they disturb anyone. They pick fights with other children, they even taunt older children and run away quickly in a cloud of dust like Pig Pen from The Peanuts stories. When dad does get involved, his quiet request to "stop it" falls on deaf, uncaring ears. After all, the consequences are inconsistent at best. The only that quiets Sam or Mike is to get their own ways.

Truly, the father needs to be held responsible for his children. He needs to supervise them himself or to take them home earlier where San and mike do not disturb everyone else. It's so easy to get angry with the boys. After all, they are the ones causing a ruckus. However, if they haven't been trained to respect others and to act a certain acceptable manner at school, then I cannot be unreasonably hard on them.

Where this relates to me is in how often I fight my little unruly child in myself who wants nothing less than EVERYTHING her heart desires. She's willing to pull out all the stops in order to get her way. She cries and pouts and makes sure that I can here her when I try my best to ignore her. She runs wild through my disciplined routine. When I ignore her, she gets even more aggressive. When I tell her that she will not get her way in a meek little, passive adult way, she stomps and falls to the floor crying that I don't love her. Of course, that one stops me in my tracks and I know, as she knows, I will give in - at least a little.

How will this behavior stop? How will this unruly child grow up? I have to hold her adult parent to an adult standard. Her parent must love the child enough to set strict expectations. She must not give into the child's desire to eat anything and everything. She must not give into the child's hatred of strict rules. She must love the child enough coach her through the aches and pains to achieve great things in the long run!

Am I willing to take this challenge? Despite the fear that still looms inside of me, I'm ready to hold her parent accountable and watch how beautifully her daughter blossoms into a respectful, loving child.

Here's to some tough days ahead!